Letter to No-one

He cannot sleep.
So instead he writes, to nobody.

After the Holocaust
Framed as always by fate, he feebly protests his innocence. He knows She'll never believe him, but he writes in his defence anyway. He didn't track Her down, didn't arrange to just-so happen to do his elective at Her hospital. His friend organised it all, after their grand scheme to trek to South America, be kidnapped, and be rescued by Russel Crowe went tits up.
He didn't relentlessly trace her UK GMC registration. He'd just learnt from a colleague too lazy to check his own GMC number that the GMC website offered the feature, could you please check my number for me. So he did. Then, on a whim (and he still doesn't know why) he idly keyed in Her name. And his self-derisive laughter and cynicism - you're too old to act like this, you've never been this stup... died in his mind on the second click.

101 reasons why we do what we do
He made the most monumental mistake of his entire lifetime, because :
He wanted to remember her well, before it was too late in the day. It was too late for her to remember him well, already.
He didn't know what else to do, and if "these things always seem more important at the time" was to have a chance - this was his only way to find out. It didn't.
He would rather bear a lifetime of emptiness than be teased repeatedly by the cruel fate of uncanny coincidences, and near-misses bent on reminding him almost, almost - not quite. He would rather a lot of nothing than many small slices of almost, maybe, somethings. He would rather a lifetime of quiet, pastel solitude than an eternity of walking in the bright shadows of impossibility.
He couldn't bear the bittersweet, schizophrenic hypocrisy of well-wishes at her lifetime-attachments, when they occured - which would flood from his own numbed mouth one day.
He did it, because it made sense.

In retrospect, it was the wrong thing to do.
He knows that given a chance, he'd do it all over again.

Then why is it, given a chance he'd do anything to hear her mind again?